I was getting my hair cut today and listening to some conversation in the salon. A young man was talking to his barber and mentioned he was from Texas. “So are you a Texan?” she asked. He answered with a short story – he was born in California, was raised in Mexico, and later moved to Texas. The culture was a shock, and it took him a while to adjust living there. But was he a Texan? His answer was yes.
I reflected on this exchange because I have lived in Utah for 25 years, longer than anywhere else that I have lived previously. My family hopped around when I was younger, but my formative years were all in Alaska, and it was only after I became an adult that I moved to California, and eventually made my way to Utah. I met my wife when we worked together at Costco, were married in Alaska and have three kids who were all born out of state but grew up and consider Utah their home. Our oldest was only turning four when we moved, and our youngest was barely 3 months old. For them, this is really all they have known.
“So am I Utahn? ” That was the question in my head. What the young man next to me said next was important. “People here are nice.”
That’s true. There is a civility here, generally speaking, that takes precedent over most everything else. It’s an ingrained cultural phenom that people in Utah are typically pleasant when you talk to them. We smile, ask how you’re doing before catching up on pleasantries and nodding good day as we leave. And that’s a problem.
Because we don’t air disagreements or talk about conflict. Everything is swept under the rug of polite exchange, and that’s the norm here. Utahns avoid conflict because we #disagreebetter, and as a result when we’re told what to think, and what to do… we invariably end up putting on our brave face and just bearing it.
But that’s not who I am, and it’s not what I strive to be. If eggs are problems, I’m more about cracking the eggs than collecting them, and blunt honesty has a certain allure that I can respect and enjoy. It’s dirty, it can be uncomfortable, but cracking those eggs sure makes the omelet faster.
I have always considered that I’m a liberal person living in conservative communities. This is what it was like growing up in Alaska, and it’s what it has been like living in Utah. It was familiar to me, and I’ll even mention that the Salt Lake valley has some Matanuska valley vibes that make me feel comfortable here. Both places are predominantly Republican. There is a strong outdoors culture here, and I was raised in a hunting/trapping family. In Wasilla the church was the Assembly of God, which I fell out of when I realized that religion didn’t answer the questions or address the pains I experienced growing up. In Utah the church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which is different but the same. I’m an outsider to the church, but I understand and respect the community and the culture around. I also respect the ex-Mormons who make the consequential decision to leave their church because, like them, I have lived through the loss of faith, community and friendships.
What’s not here, and what I have found lacking is conflict. I miss raucous behavior, and some occasional incivility. Utahns seem drained of their willingness to passionately endorse, or oppose, or ridicule something. We avoid uncouth words and replace controversy with euphemisms. We tolerate so much that we let the intolerant find a home here.
When HB267 ran, the committee rooms were packed with people opposed to the bill. There were overflow rooms and hallways filled with people who came specifically to show opposition to the bill. When speakers were allowed to present, opposition was overwhelmingly present but the committee chair wanted to “both sides” the testimony to give more opportunity to a very small group of supporters to speak, and the opposition let them. When people clapped for an opposition speaker, the chairperson reprimanded the room for its “impolite” behavior. No-one shouted. No-one raised there voices. It was all so unsettling to see that many people watch a few who would strip their rights away in front of them, because it is in our culture to be polite.
After it passed in the legislature, Governor Cox let the bill sit on his desk for seven days, before eventually signing the bill into law. It was clear that if he vetoed the bill it would have had difficulty gaining a 2/3 majority vote in both the house and senate to override. There was even an alternative, less egregious bill that was planned to be introduced if he refused to let the bill move forward. It was a viable option for a Governor to consider vetoing the bill, especially after a contentious election that he would have lost if he had primaried, especially after he declared shortly into his term that he would not seek re-election. Governor Cox was not beholden to the legislature or to the Republican political machine. But he signed the bill.
What happened is that the people of Utah failed to raise a voice. We failed to be vocal about the disagreement right in front of us, even when the impact of the legislation made Utah one of the strongest anti-union states in America. We allowed our Utah public employees to be sacrificed with nothing to gain. We didn’t put up a fight because we’re nice people, after all.
My concern should be the same concern you have. Shameless people take advantage of civility. Pundits will lie and no-one will speak up to call them out for lying. Politicians push copy/paste bills that attack personal rights or dismantle worker rights or take away voter rights. Special interests move forward because feckless profiteers see the opportunity. They build a prison in front of you and tell you to go in, and we go in. We are victims of our own good manners.
There are people out there, right now, who are emboldened to do some really terrible stuff. There are right-wing militias, hate groups, ultra-right-wing legislators and their creepy lobbyists, christian nationalists, transphobes… a whole bunch of bad people with their bad ideas. But they are civil. Their lies are polite. They say and do horrible things without raising their voices. We should be raising our voices. We should be fighting back.
When I ran for office in 2024, I was told that I “obviously have nothing in common with the people you are running to represent” because I used protest, and because I advocated not just to elect me, but to vote out and unseat my opponent. There were several instances talking on social media that I used language that had some heat, and I was called a potty-mouth (seriously, I have to laugh at that moniker when it’s another adult male calling me that). I am a 25 year resident of South Jordan, and this is where I raised my family. This is my home.
“So am I Utahn? ” That’s still the question in my head.
What’s my answer?
“Fuck yeah, it’s my home. And I’ll defend it.”